The Practical, and The Impossible
There have been several posts around IF blogland recently about ways in which pregnant women post IF-traumas have a hard time fully accepting their pregnancies. I think we all have our lines in the sand---the things that we just can't bring ourselves to do. For some of us, it's stocking up on maternity clothes, or buying a bunch of baby supplies. For others, it's planning showers, or finding ways to evade the announcement to our bosses. Personally, I was forced into maternity clothes out of sheer discomfort at my sit-down job, so there was no avoiding that hurdle. The shower-planning took off like a rocket without me doing anything, as my friends and family got so carried away in the excitement that they started planning almost immediately after our announcement. I gently tried to talk them into shower remission, but they were off to the races with glee. Just yesterday, in fact, one of my friends insisted on meeting for lunch to work out the details of the shower she's planning for Snippet. I'm really just letting her run with it, sitting back half-dazed, feeling a bit out of body about the whole thing, but happy to have everyone so happy for us. Though I'm not quite in the moment with this planning, the happiness and confidence of others is pretty infectious and I left the meeting feeling a little tipsy.
In general, it's the practical things that come easiest for me. Jake and I registered early as a great way to burn off some excited energy together. Registering was a great project with lots of strategy and rational planning involved---hours of internet research and funds calculations. Registering didn't scare me a bit, and neither has the nursery decorating. I've spent the past couple of weekends working upstairs, clearing out junk from the soon-to-be-nursery (currently walk-in closet/office/junk room.) Once I reduced the clutter in the room to a manageable level, I picked out paint colors and draperies. We now have a sweet little green and white room that is in the halfway stage. There is no nursery furniture in there yet, all of my clothes are still hogging the wall and my desk is still in there, so its some kind of hybrid right now.
I'm grateful for these big projects. Besides helping me to get more In The Moment with this whole thing, they are also GREAT for burning off anxiety. It's something constructive and meaningful at the same time, although I did catch myself thinking several times, "I like this green. Even if the baby weren't coming, I would probably still paint this room this green." (or) "Baby of not, this room needed to be cleared out." I'm not sure who I felt I needed to justify any of it to, but obviously I felt judged by someone, or something.
In a few weeks, though, that room will be undergoing the kind of transition that is likely to throw me for a big loop. We'll be ordering our crib and changing table/dresser soon, and once those are set up in that room it's definitely going to be weird. That's when my desk gets the boot into our yard sale and there will be no denying the new purpose of the room. Here's a thumbnail look at the furniture we chose:
For now, my line in the sand is any discussion of names. Jake is ALL into it, and constantly bugs me about it. I keep brushing him off, as the whole notion of choosing a name seems RIDICULOUS. I've been able to put him off by saying I can't talk names until I know whether it's a boy or a girl, but I know that's not the heart of it. It's one thing to call the baby, "Snippet," but it's something entirely different to assign an actual name---a name full of meaning, a name that you give to a real person. "Snippet" is playful and carries a bit of the imagined and fairytale with it. But, calling the baby its real name......that just seems like tempting fate to make me into a fool. I guess eventually I'll have to get over this feeling and dig into the name-choosing, but that time just isn't now. Refusing to choose names is giving me that small bit of emotional distance that seems preservationist. After next week's Big Ultrasound, however, I'm not sure I'll be able to talk Jake off the names project. I may just have to play along until, at some point, I find that I'm not playing anymore, but actually enjoying it, believing it, letting my fears give way. Here's hoping.
In general, it's the practical things that come easiest for me. Jake and I registered early as a great way to burn off some excited energy together. Registering was a great project with lots of strategy and rational planning involved---hours of internet research and funds calculations. Registering didn't scare me a bit, and neither has the nursery decorating. I've spent the past couple of weekends working upstairs, clearing out junk from the soon-to-be-nursery (currently walk-in closet/office/junk room.) Once I reduced the clutter in the room to a manageable level, I picked out paint colors and draperies. We now have a sweet little green and white room that is in the halfway stage. There is no nursery furniture in there yet, all of my clothes are still hogging the wall and my desk is still in there, so its some kind of hybrid right now.
I'm grateful for these big projects. Besides helping me to get more In The Moment with this whole thing, they are also GREAT for burning off anxiety. It's something constructive and meaningful at the same time, although I did catch myself thinking several times, "I like this green. Even if the baby weren't coming, I would probably still paint this room this green." (or) "Baby of not, this room needed to be cleared out." I'm not sure who I felt I needed to justify any of it to, but obviously I felt judged by someone, or something.
In a few weeks, though, that room will be undergoing the kind of transition that is likely to throw me for a big loop. We'll be ordering our crib and changing table/dresser soon, and once those are set up in that room it's definitely going to be weird. That's when my desk gets the boot into our yard sale and there will be no denying the new purpose of the room. Here's a thumbnail look at the furniture we chose:
For now, my line in the sand is any discussion of names. Jake is ALL into it, and constantly bugs me about it. I keep brushing him off, as the whole notion of choosing a name seems RIDICULOUS. I've been able to put him off by saying I can't talk names until I know whether it's a boy or a girl, but I know that's not the heart of it. It's one thing to call the baby, "Snippet," but it's something entirely different to assign an actual name---a name full of meaning, a name that you give to a real person. "Snippet" is playful and carries a bit of the imagined and fairytale with it. But, calling the baby its real name......that just seems like tempting fate to make me into a fool. I guess eventually I'll have to get over this feeling and dig into the name-choosing, but that time just isn't now. Refusing to choose names is giving me that small bit of emotional distance that seems preservationist. After next week's Big Ultrasound, however, I'm not sure I'll be able to talk Jake off the names project. I may just have to play along until, at some point, I find that I'm not playing anymore, but actually enjoying it, believing it, letting my fears give way. Here's hoping.
posted by deanna at 8:14 PM
7 Comments:
For me, it was the name too. It took us until the day before I had Seth to come up with a name. And even the first few weeks after he was born, I had trouble saying or hearing his name. For fear that something would take him away from me. Thankfully now I'm starting to believe he's here, and he's healthy, and he's not going anywhere (I hope).
I wouldn't feel too bad if I were you. You have done really well, much better then I am sure I would be.
The furniture is so pretty!
Miss X
The furniture is great.
And sometimes the other shoe never drops. It's ok to continue to have fears, and to wrestle with trepidation vs excitement on a moment by moment basis. It is part of having a pregnancy after infertility.
Keep enjoying every moment you can. Although the pregnancy creeps on this side, when you are on the other side (and you will be there!!!) you will find that it all went too fast. Although you'll doubt the truth of that in your third trimester :)
Btw, sending Paul into spider land again this evening for the box o' maternity goodness.
I don't pretend to know what your going through, but I understand the fears and worries. Now that I'm in my third trimester and feel him move on a regular basis, it's so much easier to know that all is okay. I'm in daydream mode right now. Hopefully when you see your little Snippet on the ultrasound, and feeling him/her moving in your belly more often, you won't seperate yourself from the experience so much.
Your furniture is beautiful :)
De,
I love your furniture - is it espresso? It is VERY similar to baby m's and her room is green also. Is Roni sending you mat clothes? If so, those are the traveling pants of maternity clothes - I had them after she wore them and now you will too. I love it!
KIM: I would do ANYTHING right now to start feeling the baby move around in there! I'm thinking she must be one laid-back kiddo, because I haven't even felt the slightest twinge. (read: I'm pretending she's just mellow, instead of entertaining any myriad of other horrible thoughts.)
MOO: Yep, Roni is sending her poor husband down into the depths of her basement to retrieve the traveling maternity clothes! It's just going to feel so great wearing the same stuff that you and she got to wear!
MOO: p.s., the furniture is cherry. I liked the espresso, but was worried it might be a little too dark, considering how dark the room is already. I like the cherry a lot, though, too!
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