32 Going on 17

We have a few weddings to attend this spring and summer, and I knew my closet was dismally inadequate. The last dress I bought was my wedding dress in 2001---a very simple $30 sparkly purple thing from JC Penney. I'm the most comfortable in pants, but I'm not afraid of skirts at all. I kind of like skirts, but just don't have much occasion to wear them. Dresses, however, I am decidedly not fond of. They make me look dumpy, dowdy---wide across the hips and lumpy in the middle. They never seem to lay correctly, always emphasizing everything I hate about my figure. However, every few years (and happening this week) I get the notion that I'm going to buy a dress, and then it always goes poorly.

The first of our weddings to attend is the weekend after Easter, so I knew I couldn't delay dress-shopping any longer. I set out all day on Saturday, trying every department store in a (somewhat small) mall nearby. There was only one dress that I could live with. It was very pretty on the hanger, though I wasn't completely crazy about it on me. It fit well, but the hemline seemed long---long like dresses women wear, and how the heck am I a woman now???? Could I really wear something so respectable? But, then it had this pretty, but completely pain-in-the-ass ribbon around the waist. (ie: a nice touch, but sure to get wrinkly and look stupid when I tried to re-tie it.) I stayed in the dressing room a long time, trying to convince myself that I am, actually, a woman and this long hemline is appropriate for me. I also reasoned around whether I could delete the ribbon, and thought I probably could. I felt pretty-much all set to buy it, until Snippet cooed and I suddenly realized---I would have to get utterly naked to nurse him in this dress. The front of the dress came way up, and had zero stretchiness in the fabric. The straps were spaghetti and stiff, the waist fitted and inflexible. A total dud, though awfully pretty, don't you think:



I shopped the rest of the day, but found nothing, and went home assuming I would try again next weekend, or else end up wearing the same old tired "wedding skirt" I have worn to every other wedding over the past few years. But, then today, while running my Sunday errands, I decided to try a local department store, even though I had shopped the same store in the mall yesterday. Snippet was happily babbling, since he loves to go clothes shopping with me. I assume he's dazzled by all the colors and patterns, and I usually keep a constant monologue going, asking him which pieces he prefers and whether they make me look like a cow. Keeping in mind the excellent advice from my friend, R. (who just tackled the "nursing dress" problem herself a few weeks ago), I searched for something with stretchy fabric and possibly a front criss-cross design for easy nursing access. I quickly came across several items that fit the bill, and was confused as to why I had not seen them yesterday. They were all hanging near one another, in a section that was near the other dresses and yet, separated somehow. What was the separation....why......and then I noticed the sign: Juniors Department. I nearly dropped my hangers on poor Snippet's head, as my hand fell to my side in disdain. Juniors? What does this mean? The only dresses I'm drawn to in two days of searching turn up in the Juniors Department---land of short hems and riskier necklines? My neckline has no business being risky, and my age should be keeping my hemline in check. And, yet.....I found a dress I liked. I tried it on, it fit perfectly and has an easy-as-can-be nursing design---stretchy fabric with the criss-cross front:



So, yes, I'm 32 years old and still shopping in the damn Juniors Department. When I compare the pictures of these two dresses, the second one seems almost ridiculous compared to the first. The first one says, "Responsible, Motherly, Adult Woman." The second one says, "DENIAL." One day I may decide to be a woman and accept a lower hemline and a respectable neckline. But, I'm just not there. The lower hemlines make my calves look stumpy and make me look shorter in general. The respectable necklines make my boobs look smaller, and I certainly don't need that. (At least, pre-nursing that was an issue, though not so much right now.) Instead, I bought the simple, flirty dress from the Juniors Department, which will need a few adjustments to accommodate a woman my age: adding a stitch to the neckline to keep my milk-boobs from completely spilling out, and a pair of Spanx underneath to keep my mushy abdomen in check. Guess I'll just reason through the psychological implications of this decision later.....much later.....